Tangent of a Broken Heart
by dandelion-heart
Summary: I broke you to prove I can love. I broke myself to prove I can stop.
1. Part I

**TANGENT OF A BROKEN HEART**

_part I_

* * *

im standing where you were just yesterday…

and yet it seems that you still havent pulled away…

im lonely today…with you so far away…and no longer can I hear…

the song of hope so long unspoken…

whispering in my ear…

* * *

The rain echoes dully through this room, the sound darkens this drowsy and moist gloom, and it tightens her grip around her folded knees as she dreams fitfully, awake.

This is a world without sound, save for the rain which neither time nor space nor love can halt…it comes everyday and with every passing she awakes…for a moment.

I am here in the room as well, but I cannot hear…I feel echoes from her filled, empty eyes and I understand.

* * *

She had loved the rain.

He had seen her once, secretly of course, twirling in puddles, spinning her umbrella like a pinwheel and bubbling with laughter so fresh and bright. She had tripped in the mud once and made a silent pout at the stains on her summer dress before throwing aside her sunshade as well as her bright orange boots to splash in the soft squelching mud.

She was fourteen.

He had stared bemused and utterly puzzled at her antics, raised eyebrows and widened eyes when the water drops ceased and she stood, soaked and basking in the filtering sunlight. She looked out of place, brightness entrenched in filth and muddy water…as if a lone flower cleansed from a shower stood among the trampled weeds and smudged earth.

She hated the rain.

She told him she always had when she was eighteen, seventeen, thirteen, eight, seven, six…

He never really understood why, apart from the fact that elders had always forbidden her to go outside in any precipitation. He was even more assured by the fact that she always went in foreign courtyards and backway alleys where no one ventured, even during child's play.

Still, for her to lie, to lie to him…that was beyond any fact or line of reason…

He let his head drop back against the lamppost, groaning in boredom and to block the curious glances from passersby. He was waiting for someone, wasn't that apparent? Opening one bright red eye, he tilted his head to the left at the sound of distinctly soft, crunching snow.

She approached slowly, head down, eyes downcast, thoughts somewhere up and far away.

"Kagura, what took you so damn long? You know how freezing it is out here?"

"Sorry, Kyo! I was just admiring the snow."

Kyo opened both eyes in surprise; she was bundled in white, save for a long blue scarf that gleamed despite the weak night light.

"Snow? Since when do you like the snow?"

"I always have," she said quietly, turning to look back at the slouching teen before her. "I love the snow."

Kyo grunted in response, shifting his weight to either side before yawning and walking past her.

"Come on, your train will leave soon."

"Ahh, Kyo, it won't leave for another 3 hours…"

"Say what?! Is this why you took your sweet time to get here?" The youth growled as Kagura laughed awkwardly.

"I thought you'd leave, to tell the truth-"

"Damn, how much time have I wasted?"

"Did you come early?"

"Late. You seriously thought I'd arrive on time?"

"You didn't want to accompany me right?" She whispered softly.

"Well, come on, don't you already know the answer?"

Kagura's smile faded slightly, hand curling in her pocket.

"I'm sorry."

"Well you should be," Kyo muttered. "What the hell, we'll just go wait at the station, it'll be warmer than this freezing- Kagura!"

The girl was stumbling quickly, bags trailing crooked tracks in this powdery snow as she hurried away.

"Kagura!"

Kyo's breath came out in puffs of misty clouds though he covered the distance easily; reaching out, he closed his hand around one bulky, coat-covered arm before pulling her roughly.

"Why are you acting like this?!"

The second she faced him, his heart ripped though both lungs, plummeting to tear all his organs and raise bile into his dry mouth.

Strands of her hair clung to her tear stained face, grey eyes dully staring in place, breath shallow and wheezing. She looked quite out of place, a pitiful rag among rosy, cheered faces smiling in the frigid night…

She was completely broken. What peace had appeared on her arrival was drowned by her depressing, drowsy gape; she looked as if a puppet had just tasted life before crying over the choke up laying wasted on the floor before it.

* * *

It had happened the fourth day she was over; she hadn't madly seized his face in her brutal hands or crushed his ribs in a deathly embrace. She had announced a pleasant morning greeting before going on to laugh with Tohru in the kitchen. She had barely made eye contact with him, and giggled superficially whenever he snapped at anyone during the day.

She didn't say good morning the next day though; she simply proceeded towards the veranda and stared blissfully, ignorantly at the cloudy scenery. He heard creaks on the roof at night, and for minutes simply gazed at the ceiling, trying to discern why the hell she had gone up there.

She didn't leave her room the next two days…when she came out, holding Yuki's hand, knees bending too much on the creaking stairs, she only greeted Tohru and with a broken mask of a smile that made him want to rip her façade to shreds.

The last two days…she had smiled too much. Her eyes were red, and her mouth was pale, and her voice was weak, but she still grinned and yelled in excitement and groaned loudly in frustration. He had gone up to her one hour, alone and yelled until his throat burned that no appreciated her act and that she should be sincere…for once.

Her hand had pressed to his chest for a moment before he smashed the wall behind him and she turned, face paralyzed with…

* * *

The look she wore now, lips and pupils trembling.

"Kyo-"

"What's wrong?"

Kagura flinched; the sound that came from his mouth was filled with agony and guilt and she couldn't bear it.

"You haven't done anything," she hiccoughed, eyes locked with his red ones.

"I'm sorry…

…that I love you."

* * *

The world with lights and happiness and people seemed to flow out of his sphere; a globe where the only light was from her scarf, not dampened from her tears. He could hear dead silence.

Love me?

Not hard you know.

Love me?

Fine then.

Love me?

But is that a request or a demand?

Love me?

Love you?

Wait, what?

I-

You?

Can't-

What?

_Breathe_.


	2. Part II

**TANGENT OF A BROKEN HEART**

_part II_

* * *

embrace this scar upon my heart…

before i feel more painful words in veins…

so blue and cold like powdered water…

with images of you ready to part changed…

though, may it be true still…

* * *

And I wait…for this eternity to end.

For now, I am the broken link that leads back to the beginning of the onset.

I am discarded yet treasured.

* * *

They sat in silence on a cold bench close to the park entrance, away from the colorfully lit streets and bustling crowds.

Kyo's face curved slightly to the right; he bit his lip and restrained the pounding questions echoing in his numbed mind. The girl next to him had not ceased her tears but absentmindedly brushed a stubborn wisp of bang from her eye, the same motion repeatedly, ignoring the continuing flow of her water down her broken, broken face…

"Kagura."

She didn't reply, though she raised her head and blinked, misty grey eyes focusing on the snowy ground before her.

He hated when females cried. He could not stand when any young girl or even a grown woman suddenly or slowly let the moisture roll over their cheeks and drip off their chins, and either stifled or unleashed their sobs, whether false or in earnest. Yet, Kagura had cried for several minutes and he had not yet demanded that she stop; the bile in his mouth had ensconced in his throat and Kyo could hardly keep his mouth from opening to speak and throw up at the same time.

He could only whisper her name, and even then he wanted something to be said…after.

Kagura. Such an empty name. As if a sentiment or another name or simply some word needed to accompany it, in order for it to seem complete. Kyo turned fully towards his companion, eyes wider than when he was a child, watching her dance…no, fall in the rain. She was always running but no one seemed to see that she fell so often, and that every time she fell, she would stand again and look all around to watch, as if to ascertain that yes, no one could see her make the same mistake, over and over.

In the rain, sunlight, fog, snow…she had tripped on every occasion and kept twirling, in the mud or in the snow, smiling with her eyes closed as if shielding the little pain from her stumble and the larger ache from the heavy neglect…

"Stop crying."

Kagura's head snapped to the side, the flow of tears pausing for a moment.

"Talk to me."

"A-a-bout what-t?"

Kyo grimaced; the sound of her voice, uncertain and stuttering, felt as if something sharp had wormed into his ear, never penetrating but hovering closely to the skin.

"First-"

Kagura gasped as Kyo's arms slipped around her shoulders and pulled her closer, so that their boots touched and her quivering hand brushed against his knee.

"Don't cry." Kyo felt his heart threaten to rip downwards again and avoided her empty eyes, choosing to stare at the thin tears decreasing in number on her frozen, pale features.

"Kyo? What happened to your jaw?"

"My…jaw?" Kyo instinctively brushed a hand against his mouth and felt the dark scar running just under his lower lip before jerking his hand away.

"Ah, I tripped."

"You didn't just get into a fight with Yuki again, did you?" Kagura mumbled, desperately trying to keep her voice steady. She looked away from his hand, which had twitched from his face with a sudden memory…

"No." Kyo answered shortly, glancing at her glowing eyes, gazing at his frowning face. There was no smile, or the curious giggle that he had heard before, before the morning when she simply passed by him, almost trying to keep a distance from him.

"Don't change the subject. Now," Kyo breathed loudly, swallowing hard, "what happened?"

"Nothing."

"Kagura, I mean it. Tell me now."

"Nothing happened, Kyo."

"You think I'll believe that bull? Hell Kagura, you look and act dead, you ignore Tohru, you," Kyo could feel blood from where his sharp teeth pressed deeply into his lip, "ignore me."

"I-"

Nothing had occurred the night before that mysterious day…other than for the entire third day Kagura had passed him odd looks and kept a distanced watch. She had still talked to him…but hadn't her voice seemed clipped and breathless and almost as if she had realized she was just a puppet and the life she tasted wasn't even real and it bubbled out of her smiling mouth…

"Damn it, did I say anything? What did I-?"

Kyo felt the girl's familiar shove but the half-hearted and feeble push barely moved him. Kagura's knees sunk into the inches of cold flakes but she staggered upright quickly, ragged clouds emerging from her open mouth.

Kyo remained on the bench, brows furrowed, hand outstretched.

"Don't feel sorry. I just…" Kagura laughed bitterly. "I never gave you a reason to help me anyways."

"What?"

"I wish that…I really hoped that…"

The falling snow began to clear but the air only seemed to compress, clustering icy air around the two. Kagura's legs shook. She was falling apart in front of him but Kyo saw that she had not fallen yet, she was still up…

"You have a reason to live don't you? You know that no matter where you go, there will be someone who will wait for you, who is thinking of you, who is the reason why," Kagura began to sob, "you're still walking."

Water drops dipped into the packed snow but Kagura fiercely wiped them away with a sleeve.

"My reason is you Kyo. And I hate that. I wish I hated you but then I probably wouldn't be alive because what else am I living for? I hate myself most anyways. But it doesn't matter, because you hate me too. When your reason to live hates you, wouldn't give up on life? I-I-Damn it, I hate myself so much and you do too but I still can't do anything. I saw it when I spent-spent time with you…you're never happy with me! It's when I leave or when I am somewhere where you know that I won't run to you that you are-are- you are happy! Why am I so worthless?"

Kyo wished she would stop. He couldn't breathe anymore and with every swallow, every blink, every pang of his trembling heart, there was an ache, amplified by her voice surrounding his sphere.

"I always thought that I loved you! I thought that maybe you loved, no cared! I am such an idiot!" Kagura swayed dangerously on her feet. "You are so-so-damn, I needed someone to hold on to and I caught you? I hurt you when you were already hurt and I did nothing to help you! I never made you smile, I never was there when you cried and it's all because I couldn't do anything in the first place!"

Her cries were growing hoarse; Kyo knew, even being behind her, that her eyelids were squeezed closed tightly and that her nails were piercing her dry palms and that she was hoping that she too would lose her voice to the soft night breeze and simply stop…

"But I still need you! Even now, I've wasted your time and I stopped your walking…" Kagura's voice dropped in volume. "I don't deserve you."

Kyo's thoughts seemed to have died along with his pulse. There was no life anymore in the sphere…

"Thank you Kyo."

The world seemed to slow: Kagura's sudden swivel was such a familiar twirl in the snow, her voice reverberating softly as her scarf unraveled from her thin neck.

"I really wanted though-"

Her heels slipped, her stringy hair fluttering along the sides of her face, her eyes fixed on his seated figure.

"-to be with you."

She fell.

* * *

Kagura!

Hey, don't worry!

Kagura!

I'm here!

Kagura!

Kyo!

Kagura!

Come back!

Kagura!

Won't you stay?

Kagura!

Don't leave me-

_I'm always alone…_


	3. Part III

**TANGENT OF A BROKEN HEART**

_part III_

* * *

in your hand on mine clasped so warm…

that the boy who hoped with the girl that sobbed…

is still…

with…

me…

home.

* * *

Today I am alone.

But I know I won't be tomorrow.

Because tomorrow is when this eternity ends…and I can finally touch the rain.

* * *

"Kagura!"

Kyo couldn't stop screaming her name into the empty air around him, the name that was strangling his windpipe and tearing his voice apart.

_Be alive_. _Be alive_.

His eyes could not blink nor could his hands free their grip on her limp shoulders; her neck arched, head tilted back, hair ends brushing the packed snow, so blue from the moonlight.

His grasp tightened.

"Don't die," he choked out, breathing heavily and wildly glancing about. "Hold on Kagura, just stay-"

He shuffled through the inches of white, draping both her wilted arms over his broad shoulders before securing his hands in the grooves of the backs of her knees. Standing, he leaned forward and hurried ahead, pausing only when the girl sleeping, resting, _alive_? on his back slipped to the side.

* * *

You carried me like this once. The first day you took my hand. It had just rained and you had just danced and then I came up and I was afraid that you'd ignore me like everyone else but you seemed lonely. You were staring at the rainbow then you stared at me and I was going to go away when you took my hand and smiled…

Then we ran up the hill and played in the mud and laughed so hard that you started to cry so I ran to you and I tripped. I cut my knee. There was red and I was scared because it was on my fingertips and the grass and my knee so you lifted me on your back. You tried again and again but you couldn't…

Except for the last time because you laughed and said you would have one more go so you picked me up and for what seemed like hours I finally felt like I was flying and was free. Then I tumbled off and you grabbed my hand and we ran and you were shouting…

* * *

"Just a little further."

Kyo hardly could hear his own wheezing voice; her voice, so soft and distraught, was hammering against the walls of his head, asking him to stop and please listen!

He didn't want to; he was trying to hold on to the familiar images of Kagura, those that would not turn and fall and leave his golden lies shattered in his sphere. There she was laughing, and there she was breaking his arm and suffocating him in her killer grip, there she was chasing after him with countless gifts…

Kagura hugging him.

Kagura finding him asleep somewhere alone and smiling down on him.

Kagura calling his name.

Kagura wearing orange.

Kagura waving good-bye.

Kagura saying good morning and passing by him and Kyo could taste the rush of cold without her arms around his, always trying to spread some warmth…

"You always promised that no matter what- you'd always chase me and there never would be a last goodbye, you know. I'm holding you to that promise, because if you don't…I don't think I can hold on to you anymore," he whispered, barely concentrating on the winding path he was taking. "Maybe this time, when you say we'll meet again, you'll remember to run back and ask for the final kiss."

His laugh echoed around the empty street but there was no substance within it to linger; it was as hollow as the hope in his eyes and the bitterness in his reminiscent voice.

The footsteps through the stiff and soft snow paused; Kyo held his breath. Kagura stirred slightly, cheek pressing into his shoulder as she murmured.

"Kyo?"

* * *

She didn't understand why she had suddenly started to cry, tears flowing uncontrollably over her rosy face and refusing to be stemmed by small, fisted hands. The little boy some distance away had straightened and glanced around, unsure of the stifled but audible whimpering.

"Ahh, Kyo, did you see the rainbow earlier? Wasn't it beautiful?"

"Not really," he said slowly, still moving his head from one side to another. "It goes away after a while."

"What?"

"If it doesn't stay, people only like it 'cause it's, I think, rare, like not usual? But who cares? It just hogs all the attention and it isn't even perfect or anything."

"But…" Kagura whispered, forgetting the damp running moisture on her young face, "while it lasted, didn't it look so pretty?"

"It was hardly there. And I couldn't even see it good," Kyo stated, now bent on his knees, busy with a rivulet of sand.

"Just 'cause something doesn't stay doesn't mean it tis'nt pretty," the girl mumbled stubbornly, tears streaming down both sides of her face. "What matters is that it was there right?"

"Kagura, you're crying?"

"Wha-No! No, I'm not, it's just-"

"Ow!"

Kagura's eyes widened; Kyo had fallen over and was clutching his knee as he bit his lip angrily. She could see tints of red on the tips of the swaying grass blades and immediately ran towards him.

"Kyo, are you ok?"

"This is all because of your stupid rainbow," Kyo muttered irritably and despite the water cascading from her large, wavering eyes, Kagura let her hands drift to his own and smiled.

"Can I carry you? Kyo?"

"What?"

"You look hurt-"

"It was only a scratch, you know!"

Kagura folded her knees and nudged his cheek with one slim finger.

"Can I though? Please?"

"No." A faint blush dusted the bridge of the boy's nose and his voice had lost its initial rigidity.

"Please?"

The tears had stopped. He looked up. She had a lopsided grin, and catching his glance, she leaned in closer.

"Kyo?" She breathed.

* * *

The world was bathed in black, darkness swallowing every one of her dimly lit thoughts into a vacuum devoid of sight and sound. Yet, she could sense a hold on her numbed arm and a cradling embrace of her damp head; it was if she could still feel beyond the fading shock of- words? Why was she asleep but so aware that the world was walking on and moving along with her…?

One eye opened slowly and a blur of red greeted her sleepy gaze. Her hand closed on another, which felt so familiar and sure…

"Kyo?" Kagura whispered, both eyes fluttering awake, voice slow but steady.

No reply met her question and she shifted her position, pressing against his warm body to sit up; the boy next to her did nothing but continued to let his arms rest about her and keep his mouth pressed shut.

"Did I fall asleep?" Kagura sighed as she leaned against him; Kyo opened his eyes and let his lips part.

"Y-yeah, for a little while," he stuttered, his heart pounding madly in his chest, only accelerating as he looked down at the drowsy girl he held carefully.

"Kyo?"

"Yeah?"

"You got the scar…on your face…after I pushed you right?"

"…Yeah."

"So even then-"

"Kagura, come on, you need to get up."

She blinked in surprise; Kyo lightly slipped his arms off her and took her hands as he crouched.

"Kagura."

A memory almost faded into nothingness…she had asked the simple, stupid favor…and he simply let his arms go around her neck, stained with tears…

"Can I carry you?"

"Y-y-yes," she stammered, trying to stop the overwhelming amount of water that had just clouded her stare.

Kyo extended his arms but Kagura refused to look up, bowing her head as tears dripped into the snow.

"What I said, I meant it Kyo. Don't think none of it was true."

"Whatever the hell you say makes sense. Except for one thing- I don't hate you Kagura."

Her grey eyes widened.

"Are you going to give up on life just because I'm not there? You're the kind of person who can love someone or many people without really asking for anything in return; you can hurt them at times and break houses and be annoying but whenever you leave, people still miss you and care for you and understand you."

Kyo was surprised to hear his voice speak, form such words; what was he saying? Did it even make sense? Wasn't he talking to…her?

"Idiot!" he snapped suddenly. "Don't ever do that again! It's enough that you are insane enough to tolerate me for more than a few minutes- to try and love me for all your life is a waste! You are worth more than that! Why do you think that I yelled at you that day? Sure I was acting damn stupid but I was scared that you had changed because of me, and I wanted you to go back to who you are! Don't do something like that again!"

Kagura shook quietly, eyes frozen at one place on the ground, the familiar wisp of hair irritating her eye once more…

"I was so scared when you fell." His voice dropped along with his head and his teeth found the groove where he had sunk them into his raw lip earlier. "I didn't want to accept anything you had said and for you to suddenly go- like that- it freaked me out so bad. You mean a lot- to Tohru and Yuki and Shigure…"

The girl a few inches from him lifted her hand and reached towards his flushed face.

"Hell," he whispered softly, "when you came with all your bags and I acted like the jerk I am, I was so happy to see you weren't sad. You looked like you had finally recovered from whatever damn sickness you had- which I guess was me." He shook his head.

"You have to live right. For Tohru and Yuki and- I don't want you to leave either-" he began, his voice rising until her fingers touched his mouth.

"Kyo," she laughed, crying again but smiling widely, letting her fingertips trace the curve of his lower lip. Kyo simply stayed in place, unaware of everything except the feel of her thin hand skimming over his face.

It was better that he couldn't think, Kyo thought warily as he focused on a tear that had slipped down her neck…he might wonder why he had not moved away from her tender touch.

The sphere shattered.

* * *

"Why did you cry that time?" Kyo watched his visible breath die away into the dark cold breeze and looked down, watching each foot step into the deep white.

"I felt very happy," Kagura laughed; Kyo smiled. To hear her simply let her voice move in happiness and not be inflicting any harm on the surroundings was incredible, much like the star strung sky above them, hardly hidden by clouds.

"To tell you the truth, I was also kind of shocked when you said that you didn't like rainbows."

"Doesn't it make sense if I say I don't like them now?"

"Well I guess," she paused and giggled once more, nudging the tip of her nose into the nape of Kyo's neck, "but I think it made more sense what you had said when you were little. That you should appreciate more of what's already there than what just comes and goes."

Kyo trudged in the snow silently. Kagura let her forehead rest against the back of his head, eyes closing.

"Kagura? Do you…like the rain?"

"What?"

"You always told me you hated it but I always saw you dancing in it." Her warm breath tickled his neck and Kyo shifted his hold under her knees.

"You were the one who always watched?" Kagura spoke softly, close to his ear. "I always wondered if someone saw me but I could never figure it out because well- I didn't think anyone would bother watching me and," her tone changed, slightly teasing, "you always seemed like the person to run and tattle."

"You lied to me though."

"I didn't lie. I really have never liked the rain. I like the mud."

"Mud?"

"Because we played in it remember? And we played in the snow, too."

"So we've never played in the rain? Is that it?"

Kagura blushed and remained still; Kyo couldn't help but smirk before his features sank into those shaded by shock.

"Your train Kagura! Damn, we missed it!"

"Ahh, I think we still have time," Kagura faltered as Kyo hastily slid her off his sloped back. Seizing her hand, Kyo started to run towards the bench where they had sat, before she had fallen…

* * *

"7 minutes to spare," Kyo groaned, stretching his sore arms as Kagura checked over her luggage. Impatiently tucking a few strands behind a pink ear, she muttered in frustration as one bag refused to close correctly.

"Kyo, help me here!"

"I'm tired-"

"So am I! So come on," she grabbed his reluctant arm, removing her grip from the tight zipper.

The train whistled and the small crowd in the area began to disperse as Kyo finished closing the bag. Kagura refused to meet his eyes as she began dragging the baggage to the train. No words were exchanged as both worked to store away the bags in her compartment.

"Alright well, time to leave," Kagura chirped, turning sharply and finding her face inches away from Kyo's.

"Right." Kyo stated, observing the girl's flustered movements. He quickly stepped down off the train and moved some distance away. Kagura still stood at the door, eyes quivering visibly.

"You've cried enough for one night," Kyo yelled hurriedly, but moved one pace forward.

Kagura laughed once more; her hand reached out before snapping to her side as she disappeared inside the train.

Kyo's frown deepened; the station was nearly deserted and those remaining were walking slowly towards the exit. He couldn't leave just yet, he reasoned; she had to leave first.

Every second seemed like an hour, an hour devoid of sight and sound, save for the lit window where she was sitting no doubt, crying for no reason…

* * *

Kyo!

Kagura!

I forgot- Merry Christmas!

Eh, this is-

For you!

T-thanks Kagura!

You would've gotten it faster if you had helped me in here!

How the hell was I supposed to know you were opening your damn bags?!

I love you Kyo.

Wha-?

I love you.

_The train started_._ She smiled_._ She left_._ The door closed_._ He stared_._ He smiled_.

I love you, too.

Because she needed someone to touch, and he wouldn't let her even try to search for someone when he was already there for her.


End file.
